I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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