I feel like abortions should bother me more
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
