Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
