just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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