Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
