i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
