cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
