I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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