My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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