dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
