I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
wat bout pragnant strippers??
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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