I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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