you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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