i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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