now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
