Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
