My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You made out with two different species that night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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