Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
