I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This house was built for laser tag.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
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After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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