i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
