I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
