I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
