Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
