Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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