She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
