I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
