I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
