so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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