This is not my ceiling
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation