I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.