Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS