This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
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Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.