apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life