I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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