Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
