Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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