Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
