I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
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So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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