I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
