Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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