I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
