I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
