How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
