Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm getting married
To pizza
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
