Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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