I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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