I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
