New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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