Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
