I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
