Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
