The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
