I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
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I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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