i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
