For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
