There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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