so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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