; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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