just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
