I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
