If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
