Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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