I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize