becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
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There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Can I color on your dick again?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.