Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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